Did I Mention I'm Allergic?

This morning, I woke up and couldn’t breathe. Of course, most mornings I wake up and can’t breathe but today I was truly, miserably over-the-top congested. The problem? I’m allergic to dogs.

Whatever. I’m allergic to a lot of things so what difference does it make, right?

Eh…wrong. It actually makes a lot of difference. One of the best ways to control allergy symptoms is to keep your home free of triggers but let’s be honest, that’s never gonna happen. My allergist is clutching his heart right now so I should probably include the following disclaimer: The choices herein are the lunatic choices of a fanatical dog lover and are not a substitute for sound medical advice. Please seek medical advice from a qualified healthcare professional. I did. I just don’t follow it. In fact, I allow my dog to sleep in my bedroom. Again, listen to your doctors, people! I’m clearly not of sound mind.

I found out about the dog thing eight years ago when I was referred to an allergist after having a reaction to raw oysters (I was told never to eat them again and for the record, I’m still bitter). He ordered a full battery of scratch tests, a procedure where extracts from potential allergens are placed on the skin which is then pricked to allow the extracts to enter the epidermis. The whole thing percolates for about 15 minutes and the physician returns to observe the results.

“Oh, hmmm. You didn’t react to cats as I expected but it does appear you’re allergic to dogs.”

The shock upon hearing this announcement caused a powerful, involuntary limbic response. That is, I began laughing hysterically.

“I take it you have a dog?”

“Yes.”

“And I gather you’re unwilling to give him up but someday, when he’s no longer with you, it’s something to think about.”

“Oh, I’ll think about it, alright! I’ll think about how many dogs I should get!” A staring contest ensued which I won, so the allergist moved on to my issues with dust and seafood.

My dog died four years ago of osteosarcoma, and I lived dander-free for six months before adopting Riley who sheds hair like an actress sheds husbands and suffers from an itchy, flaky skin condition that has yet to be adequately diagnosed. Perhaps he’s allergic to me.

Walking helps. I sneeze, he scratches, and we head out into the crisp, winter air and breathe each other in.